Sunday, November 02, 2008;
♥ 1:50 AM
I have so much on my mind now, i do not even know how to start this entry.
After the talk with grace yesterday, reality finally sunk in.
Grace is more than right, everything has changed.
As a fact of life, humans are constantly moving and living. Nothing stays the same for long, no matter how much we treasure the present, or wants things and people to stay the same.
We can choose to stagnate, but we cannot prevent others from moving on. And before you know it people that was once familar faces, people whom you love trust, has morphed into someone you barely even know, unable to understand, and unable to communicate with.
I accepted what grace's explaination of him, digested the fact, and after it sunk in, i pretty much stared into space today while tears flowed freely.
i think back to what it was like the day before, the superficiality of our communication, of the topics talked about. Of how you and your frens are like in fornt of me. You've become a person i barely even know, one in which morals means nothing to you anymore, things that you once believed in seemed unimportant. I think back to how you breached my trust when i asked you for help, nonchalantly brushing me away. Still, i can't believe you did and said, for even a most normal fren would most probably had lent a hend at such a time. You seemed to have lost the everything i once thought was the most beautiful in you, innocence, a young, boyish charm bouyed by the many aspirations, ideals and moral values, the warm smile that makes people unwittingly want to smile back and you and talk more to you. Instead,you smile chills me to the core now, a little bit fake, a little bit distant, and unlike the last time, when you would show an earnest interest in your friends life, your talk became so superficial, i no longer understood.And then i thought back to how you were a long time ago, and thats when the most tears came. How i missed the old you, the one who would earnestly look at me and say " i really want to know everything that going on in your life", the one who speaks of lofty aspirations and ideals, i really, really missed that old you. But thats gone, and i can't find it back. even if i ask you out 10 more times, it will still be the same. You are no longer the you that i know, the you that i miss and so much want to see. That's really gone.And so as i promised grace, i won't see you again. For seeing the new you is only going to hurt me so much more, as i try ridiculously to see a trace of the familar old friend in the new you. I don't miss that person i saw yesterday night, i miss the one i spoke to in the middle of the night by the fish pond at farm-art center, the one who smiled at me from the car at commonwealth mrt after dropping me off. i miss that person so, so much. the reason why i even asked you out last night, was to reconcile with an old friend, because i realize how much i missed that person's friendship, even if we cannot be more than anything other than friends. i was so willing toput everything aside to be friends again with you, just because even the friendship part of my memory of the past was so sweet,
But in the few years that we grew apart, you changed so much. I've forever lost that friend i missed, i can no longer find him back.
I mourn for that loss. How i missed... that person... that one from the past
-xoxo- wilted petals of wine-coloured roses -xoxo-
