Wednesday, January 23, 2008;
♥ 12:41 AM
i had a dream yesterday.
it was a sweet dream; it was a sad dream.
i dreamt that my entire family was sitting in the old living room of my house.
at ellington square.
my father, my mother, my sister, and my grandfather.
only my brother was missing.
and then, the phone rang.
it was my brother, calling from australia.
how my family missed him.
papa spoke to him, a man of few words, told him to take care of himself.
mummy spoke as normal, like nothing was wrong.
but the scene was odd, i can't place it.
then kor insisted he wanted to speak to me.
the first sentence he told me was " yiying, i am dead"
then it struck me.
its true, he's dead, he gone. thats what wrong.
yet i was like, not supposed to tell my family.
i remembered i told him how much i really miss him.
how much i want him to come back,
let me take his place instead.
i want him back, to talk to me again, to counsel me,to laugh with me.
even if i take his place,
my parents will be so much better, my family so much better.
it was a sweet dream, because i almost got to hear my brother's voice again, almost got to speak to him again.
it was a sweet dream, because i saw my grandfather and father in the same room again, talking like father and son.
it was a sweet dream, like nothing has ever changed before.
my whole family was there, sitting in the teak chairs and tiled floor of ellington square,
smiling, laughing, like nothing was wrong.
yet, the dream would have been sweeter, if i never had to wake up.
i miss everything about my life in the past.
when i stayed in ellington square.
a day so typical, yet so blessed.
i would wake in the morning of 10-ish, awakened by the blasting gigi leung music resounding from my brother's room. grouchily, i would shout from my window to tell him to shut the f*** up becuz the music's giving me a throbbing headache.
"bit*h:, he would scream back.
what terms of endearments
from downstairs, mummy would scream that its darn late and why am i still not awake, and ask my sis to come wake me up.
sis would barge into the room and shout at me to wake up.
sometimes she uses weird ways, like spraying water, perfume, or hot air from the hairdryer in my face. perfect start to a day.
we all go downstairs, where daddy would have returned from the market with packets of "zhai" bee hoon, and you tiao.
after breakfast, i would trot into the front foyer where grandpa usually sits, and talk to him for an hour or so, just listening to his stories.
then, i would retreat into the living room.
in ellington square, we rarely hid in our rooms during the day.
maybe it was because, the dining room was so huge, so spacious, so welcoming and homely feeling.
instead, kor, jie and me will sometimes sit together and study at the big round table, supervised my mummy.
dady would be taking a nap in his room, his presence made known by the snoring so loud it disturbed us downstairs.
time passed fast in ellington square, so how or another (neither in front of the computer or phone, )the afternoon was whittled away
the computer was then, unlike now, a tool to bond the family. some afternoons,our entire family sits in front of the comp, taking in turns to play a game of puzzle fighter vs match or such.
sunday afternoon were the best, where at 3pm, daddy will scream "pull the curtains" so that the afternoon sun would not reflact on the TV, and the entire family sits watching "liao zhai", or "the tale of 3 kingdoms"
then at 5.30 pm, without fail, kor and i will jump up, grab the soccer ball and run to the park.
whee the other neighbourhood kids gather, and a match of soccer ensues.
soccer always last well into 7 pm, and might even be later, if not for jie, who will coming strolling into the park shouting" mummy wants you guys back for dinner"
dirty, smelly and sweaty, we trot home for a typical dinner of one soup, and 3 other dishes.
the night usually ends with me realizing that i hven't done my homework, and panicking, or mummy shouting for us to pack our bags for school, and always, we would find something missing, for the house was so huge.
nostalgia. how i miss those days.
simple joys, true smiles.
how i miss my brother, miss the days that my grandparents were part of my family.
maybe its stupid, but i am really tired of my life nowtired of the endless trials and tribulations in this past few years,tired of losing so many loved ones around me for so many reasons,losing them to hades,to unresolved conflict,to pride,to betrayal.i really want to change place with my brother, only i think, my life's too cheap for this exchange compared to his.
lord wouldn't want to take me, i can't bring him back.
but i want him back so badly, so so badly.
Disclaimer to friends : No, i'm not going to do anything stupid, by the way. so please don't panic if you all read this. just how i truly feel.
-xoxo- wilted petals of wine-coloured roses -xoxo-
