Thursday, July 05, 2007;
♥ 2:28 AM
Anything if nothing, i think I got the closure I needed tonight.
The past one year passed hazily. I lived through it a walking zombie, merely going through the routine that my life did require me to. I would spend nights awake, questioning how things turned out this way, and asking myself a million "what ifs". I kept feeling like all this could have been prevented, if i haven't done a lot of things. I kept reminiscing about the happier times we had, the prawning, the walks. I refused to let go, to the point that i kept blaming myself, for letting everything happen.
Today, its like everything became clear. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt. It does, very, very badly. I think what hurt most was that while for the past year, I've been hurting so badly, there you are thinking that everything is all rosy and fine, and we're back to being good friends
with a plus. Either you're dense or you're dense. It was that, memories I've treasured so much means nothing to you. You talk about lofty ideals about life and love, about friendship. Yet, in truth, you don't seem to respect the friendship that we have.
Why i made this call tonight. I thought about it all long and hard before i did. It was a toss up between pretending that we're good friends, while continue hurting, and feeling more and more pathetic by the moment, for myself not ever respecting myself anymore, or putting our friendship at stake and yet keeping my integrity. I chose the latter, because i knew that i could never treat you as a normal friend ever again. Firstly, it hurt too much. Secondly, i liked you too much to. And so i am letting go.
Chalk it up to a lesson learnt. I once regretted what i did at woodlands. What's ego, in comparison to the person that i truly loved, i felt. Hence, i turned back, apologised, and prayed for things to become like they once were.
Today, for that few blissful hours, things seemed almost like they once were. The ease of conversation, the slow walks, it seemed to have almost relived the past. Yet, they can't erase the scars. I can no longer feel truly happy, blissful, and fully trusting you, like that day we were prawning. You never knew what you wanted, and you always had a "I don't know" for an answer to any of my questions. Actually, this "I don't know" answered a lot of my questions.
Remember the day we walked along seletar rd? You told me about the girl you met at bukit gombak, who you felt was the one? Like karma? You'r right. It should feel correct, and since it doesn't feel correct for you, it probably isn't. I now accept the answer.
Today afternoon,while i was at home, seriously considering my course of action. Should i give a chance to subject myself to more hurt? I prayed silently to god to help me, because i knew that i couldn't relive what i went thru last june all over again. It's like dying all over again. It's like taking a knife and cutting my heart up all over again. But i still went thru it, knowing that today will be the day i get all my answers for the questions i've been asking for the past year.
And thats why i made the call. Because we parted without any answers. Because your actions left me more confused than ever. Because i refuse to leave you thinking that everything is all rosy and fine. I know you must have been surprised, for the entire night, i was fine, happy, cheerful, bubbly, just like the old yiying you know so well. But sorry man, I wasn't out the entertain you, or make you feel better. I was out for answers. (maybe that explains my expression you saw at the escalator? Pretty astute)
I know that after you've read this, it signifies the end of our friendship. This time, its a choice of mine. The hurt this year, has overshadowed any happy moments. Still good friends? Don't kid me.
You take care and i still wish you all the best yea.
-xoxo- wilted petals of wine-coloured roses -xoxo-
